As this year inches it's way to 2018 it's leaving me with about seven more months of my twenties and when I turned 29 I decided to take my health into my own hands. Everyone feels this weird shift before they turn 30 - they start to freak out and or start to feel like an adult even though we've been told we've been adults since we were 18. What they don't know is what they are actually feeling is their Saturn Return that happens everyone 29.5 years of the moment they were born. In a recent instagram post, I wrote about how I had gone through a lot of trauma this year in many ways in different aspects of my life and I just wanted to go into that a little further and just explain how these personal experiences have affected me and what Saturn Return means to me. I want to first say that I know that my traumas might and probably only scratch the surface of what some other women have experienced.
I feel as if a lot of people don't really talk about or know about Saturn Return and I'm sure soon enough it'll have some trendy self depricating social media precense like Mercury in retrograde when everyone is hiding under the bed. Obviously, Saturn Return is different for everyone like all things in life, and don't get me wrong, it fucking can suck BUT like everything I believe it's about how you pick yourself up(if you can) and how you move on with life. Saturn Return is meant to be challenging, to push you, to throw obstacles at you to really make you question where you are in life, the people in your life, your career, basically everything to get you on the right path.
For me, I didn't realize any of this until half way through this year and I'm still learning. Everyone's time is different and it depends on when and where you were born and where Saturn was at that time. Your return can last from one month to three years(yikes.) and most likely you'll be able to tell when it's coming because as it approaches things get chaotic. I could go on and on but I'll save that for another post I just wanted to use myself as an example. I believe that the harder the universe and Saturn make it for us during this time depends on how far from your true path you actually are.
Leading up to 2017 was really hard. In 2016 my life took a sharp left turn when I made a decision to be independent in my life and following that was a lot of learning I did when I was 27. All of 2017 was pretty strange. I was faced with losing friends because I was selfish, having to move like three times, being threatened with a gun by a neighbor, getting mugged and getting held up by gun point, there was some emotional trauma, my boyfriend and I went through A LOT, my dog started attacking people and I had to give him up, just all the things. It was awful and REALLY hard and really just exhausting. Then, for the cherry on top, I slipped going down a friends staircase and cracked my tailbone, bruised my spine and some ribs, and It felt like I just couldn't catch a break and everyone around me could see it like.. LIFE was just pushing me FORCEFULLY in all these different directions literally because every time something crazy happened I would move.
If I wrote how all of these things led me to where I am today this post would get way too long. But from January of this year till August I cried SO MUCH. I cried because of exhaustion, depression, anxiety, heart ache, frustration and literal physical pain and some how I feel like for right now I'm on the right path.
Due to all those extreme and heavy emotions I just kind of gave up a little bit — I stopped taking care of myself and started bindging. I didn't realize I was bindge eating until I listened to the first podcast of Straight Up Paleo by Christina Rice where she talks about binge eating McDonalds and ice cream and I didn't even know it was effecting my body until my boyfriend sent me a picture of myself where to me I was unrecognizable.
As Christina describes her struggle with binge eating I was like, OMG I DO THAT. I realized that even though I was living a pretty "healthy" life on the outside when it came to food and documenting it - in my private life especially if I was stressed out or just having one of those days* I would binge. I would feel stressed out work/life/school or just depressed because of whatever reason or for example when I got hurt and couldn't work out I would tell myself oh I'll just eat this* and work it off when my back is better and I just kept eating all the fast food and I would do it when I was by myself. I had this weird mentality like, if I eat it in my car by myself no one will see and it doesn't count. Like, THAT'S REALLY WEIRD. So when I was listening to this podcast and having all these self realizations it was CRAZY like connecting the dots. Because of these self realizations I now am more self aware of my emotions and situations where I can avoid binging. Going back to the picture my boyfriend sent me, this picture is what set this current BBG round in session. I've never been so inspired to change my life than in this picture!
What I'm trying to say by sharing all of this is I believe that all of these traumas and self realizations are happening this year because I'm approaching my Saturn Return and the universe is helping me find my way because for the first time in like five years I feel like I'm doing something that I'm truly passionate about and will be passionate about for the rest of my life. If I hadn't gone through all of those awful situations that eventually led me HERE I wouldn't have learned what I did about myself, I wouldn't have the people around me that I still have, I wouldn't have rediscovered my love for fitness and my new passion for holistic nutrition.
If you don't know when yours is and don't have a natal chart you can calculate it here! I'd love to know any thoughts from people who have experienced theirs already. My Saturn Return, luckily, is only the month of December and where most people are fearful of their return I'm very intrigued and excited for what's going to come next.